9 bitter years (since I've been seeing your face)
by IcyLady
Summary: In which Kanda Yuu hates his birthday and everything that has to do with it. Can an unexpected, shocking "gift" change that? AU from Chapter 181 or so (at least).


**Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man and am not making any profit from this story. The title is lyrics from "Kill all your friends" by My Chemical Romance.**

**Author's note: Something different while I'm posting "Garden of fruitless blossoms", just because I simply cannot come to terms with the finale of Kanda's story in the manga, it's too cruel. While "Garden of fruitless blossoms" is completely AU to the whole of DGM, here I deviate from the original story at some point after they got the Arc but before the North American Branch mess. Timeline is probably incorrect, since I don't think Kanda's birthday occurred at that time, but, well, indulge me ;)**

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**9 bitter years (since I've been seeing your face)**

Kanda Yuu was a walking paradox. Well aware of his prettier-than-average, to say at least, face he took as much care about his long hair looking good as he took to always wear a scowl: angry, hate-filled, disdainful or just plain bored. Nobody could mistake him for a pleasant person, which was good because too many mistook him for a girl. He hated it with passion, but did not cut his hair, rather relishing in the opportunity to legitimately punch people. Wanting nothing to do with the Black Order, who had destroyed everything he could have hoped to have, he was their best Exorcist and took care to become even better, irreplaceable.

The latter was why, while he was not really a morning person, he punished himself by waking up before 5am every day to train already before breakfast. When he stopped to think about it, which wasn't often because he was half-asleep before starting the actual training, he told himself that he trained to get better, so that when time came, he could kill them all. However, in the privacy of his own, never voiced thoughts, he knew it was a lie. Inadvertently, unwillingly, he had let some people into his life and they were all part of the Black Order that he loathed more than anything else in the world.

One of the real reasons why he woke up so early to train was that he absolutely hated it when there were other people in the training room. He revelled in the peaceful calm if the Order's headquarters before people appeared and it was in that calm that he would train most efficiently. People distracted him, reminding him of how inhuman he was and irritating him by being weak and fragile. If they were Exorcists at least he could maybe hope for a sparring partner, if only in a few, select cases. Finders, on the other hand, who also came to train sometimes, tended to stop everything and stare. Did those idiots not know that he could feel their gazes burning into him?

Sometimes, when he was in a particularly foul mood, he would stop and snap at them and they would scatter like leaves on the wind and he would wish that he could slice them in half like he sometimes did with the leaves. He couldn't, not for the lack of skills but because he was not allowed. Nine years ago he had been clearly told that the moment anybody thinks he's a danger to the general populace, especially the people belonging to the Order, he would be frozen and put away. Even though he hated his life, he didn't want that to happen. He wanted to find the woman from the fragmented memories of his previous self, to keep his promise even though he was sure she would be dead by now.

That was the only reason why Lavi still remained unscratched, despite doing his best to irritate him at every possibility. Also, if Kanda wanted to be honest with himself, Lavi went unscratched because Kanda actually did appreciate the existence of somebody who was not afraid to irritate him. Chasing after the idiot rabbit or the damned beansprout helped him forget just how desperately alone he was in the world. Not that he would ever voice those thoughts of course.

That particular morning he was in a particularly foul mood, more so than usually. It was one of the days of the year that he hated just for existing and the sky was the bright blue he abhorred. There were no disturbances to his training, which should have been good, but wasn't. Paradoxically, as he finished his training routine, he almost wished for a distraction. A useless Finder or the idiot rabbit, even the infuriating beansprout would have been better than the thoughts swirling in his head. Usually easy to push away when he held Mugen, the thoughts were persistent that day, nearly making him commit errors in the routine. That, even though he had an undying body, was not acceptable.

Resigned to go back to the training room after breakfast, he made for the door, stopping only when he heard footsteps approaching. At this time of day, many people were already awake and despite his swirling thoughts, he was reluctant to meet them. He liked solitude, something that the rabbit and beansprout didn't seem to understand, and meeting people was risking that they would ask something or say the words he absolutely dreaded to hear.

Rapid footsteps became louder and Kanda pushed himself against the wall, close to the door, to avoid detection. The people disturbing his morning were Reever and Komui, he could identify their footsteps by now, and they could have been searching for him. Whatever they wanted he didn't want it, unless it was to send him for a mission immediately, which he didn't think would happen. Even though nobody would say anything, Kanda knew that this particular day he was "off duty".

'-just means one more Exorcist,' Komui was saying. One more Exorcist what? Dead? However, Komui's voice sounded rather happy, so it couldn't be that, Kanda reasoned. Komui was one of the despairingly few people in the administrative structures of the Black Order to actually care about the Exorcists.

'It will be a great birthday gift,' Reever replied, making Kanda scowl, because there was only one person who had birthday that horrid day. He didn't care to hear Komui's reply, suddenly furious. Didn't he say it clearly enough that he wanted no birthday gifts, no birthday parties, not even birthday wishes? If he could he would erase that day from the calendar and everybody who cared enough to learn that it was his birthday knew it perfectly well. Was it really so hard to respect this one wish he had? Was he not an asset enough to the Order to have that one, small wish granted?

Besides, why would a new Exorcist be a "great birthday gift" for Kanda? He snorted at the notion, making for the showers and then to his room to change quickly before eating. Why would the fact that another poor soul was imprisoned by the destructive organisation of Vatican make Kanda happy? It was not like they would be closer to winning the war. This was a hilarious notion, or a wretchedly sad one, depending on how he looked at it. They were never going to win that war, this much became clear with the appearance of Noah.

He shook the insane musings away from his mind as he stepped into the canteen, unfortunately already full of people and chatter. There was a queue of Finders waiting for the meal and he made to cut it, taking advantage of the fact that it was his birthday and Jerry would not scold him for being impolite. Not that he cared about what Jerry thought, but the snickers that comment usually earned from the Finders pushed Kanda dangerously close to drawing Mugen and not looking back at the warnings he had been given.

There was a group of Exorcists, surprisingly many of them being in the headquarters every morning now that they used the Ark to move around. They were standing close to the entrance, chattering excitedly and Kanda cringed internally when the chatter died as they had spotted them. He ignored them pointedly, looking only at the queue as he made his way into the large room.

'Are you sure you want-' Lavi asked in a hushed, worried tone. They better not be doing what Kanda thought they were or he would lose it. He didn't hear the answer to Lavi's half-asked question and he fought to not walk faster, not let them know that he heard anything. Suddenly not hungry anymore, he briefly contemplated leaving the canteen altogether before the Exorcists could make their move. He could go without a breakfast, could he? He just about reached his decision when the next words reached him.

'Happy birthday Yuu.'

He froze, because it was the voice echoing in his worst nightmares: the ones about innocence, the real innocence, destroyed forever, tarnished and tainted by the most vicious organisation Kanda had ever heard of. Only, it was impossible, because-

Had that been recorded anywhere? Had there been constant surveillance? Kanda didn't doubt it and the nauseating thought, of the Exorcists laying their hands on those recordings, was drowned in a surge of white hot fury. If those idiots had thought that it would make a good surprise then Kanda was finally going to lose it and kill them all. He would not care anymore about what would happen afterwards because there was only so much he could endure.

Barely managing to keep control over himself and not draw Mugen immediately, he spun around on his heel, ready to unleash his anger. However, nothing like that happened. His brain, blinded by the fury, numbly registered that what he was sure was a murderous scowl dissolved into a shocked and confused expression. Then his brain promptly ceased to function because in front of him, wearing a custom made Exorcist uniform, stood- It was not possible, was it?

Alma, because it must have been Alma, only grown-up, smiled softly at Kanda's wordless reaction. Alma? Kanda found himself unable to even voice the question because surely that was just an illusion or a cruel joke of his ignorant comrades, who, he noted absent-mindedly, were watching him intently. But Alma had kept his hairstyle the same and there was still that scar on his nose. Why wouldn't his seal heal it? Yuu never understood it and neither did Kanda.

'I'm sorry I made you wait so long, but I'm here now,' Alma said, his brown eyes, the very same brown eyes Kanda had seen so often in his dreams, in his nightmares, serious over the bubbling happiness. Kanda dared not hope that it was real, because it couldn't be, could it? He had to remind himself to breathe, his mind trying to process this new- Was Alma the "one more Exorcist" that had Komui mentioned that morning? But he had-

'How-' he started and cut himself. How come you're alive? He could hardly ask that, could he? Alma's smile seemed to say that he could, but Alma always smiled at everything, even- He didn't want to think about it.

'Long story short is that my body started to regenerate eventually,' Alma started calmly, quietly, looking at Kanda steadily. Kanda squeezed his eyes shut, assaulted by the images of how he had left Alma in pieces, how he had literally hacked the regenerative core out of his only friend's body. I'm so sorry Alma, echoed in his head. What a lame thing to say after repeatedly killing the only person who cared for him. He felt nauseous, like after the worst of the nightmares.

'Bak Chang was the one to notice, he told me afterwards,' Alma continued and Kanda forced himself to listen, opening his eyes to lock them with the brown gaze that had kept him sane through the worst. 'Instead of telling anybody, he put me into confinement and waited till I came back completely. I came back with all my anger,' Alma laughed briefly. The mirroring anger flared in Kanda because the Order had done unspeakable things to them. 'But Bak tried to make me understand and in the end I kind of did, or rather I managed to cope with it. He had me trained and taught, waiting for the right time to make it public that I had survived.'

'Make it public,' Kanda whispered incredulously, anger bubbling through the shock. Alma was alive and nobody had told him? They let him continue thinking that he had killed his only friend? They let him live on in the hell of regret and guilt? They-

'He wanted to tell you, but I was afraid that you hated me,' Alma admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. The words were like a slap on the face to Kanda and he physically recoiled. He didn't know what he could say, but Alma continued. 'Then he found out you didn't, but he was afraid that you'd do something to betray- Damn, there's no excuse, Yuu,' Alma paused. 'I missed you so much,' he added and took the remaining couple of steps that were between them.

Before Kanda could do anything, before he could even register the words properly, he was being hugged tightly. Hugged! Nobody had ever hugged him, nobody but Alma and- Oh God, that meant Alma really was there, didn't it? The arms desperately holding him close could not be an illusion and the soft sob that escaped his only friend could not be an auditory hallucination.

Alma-

Kanda found himself hugging the other back with the same ferocity, squeezing his eyes tightly shut again, because Kanda Yuu did not cry, never. Only right now he was just Yuu and Yuu cried, sometimes. That moment seemed like a good time to cry because it had been nine bitter years since the day when his hope had died. Nine horribly long years had passed since he had thought for the first and last time that he and Alma could run away and maybe be happy somewhere far. Nine hate-filled years he had been living with the blood on his hands, the blood that he could never wash off and never repent for. Nine years' worth of loneliness and pain came crashing back against him.

He was vaguely aware of the dead silence that stretched around them, because Alma's sobs seemed to echo in the huge canteen. He hoped, also vaguely, that Alma's whispers, promising they would stay together forever now, were only audible to him. They were making a scene, he knew and he found that he couldn't bring himself to care. He would scare the wits out of anybody who would dare to make fun of him over this and maybe- He wasn't sure if he dared to voice the idea even in the privacy of his thoughts.

Maybe this time he would have Alma's help.

He pushed away and looked at the other's face, searching for any sign of forgery, because if he let himself believe this was real and it wasn't- He didn't want to even consider the possibility and it was becoming more and more difficult to not believe that it was Alma in front of him, impossible as it seemed.

With a soft, somewhat watery smile, Alma placed both hands on the sides of Kanda's face and brushed the tears from Kanda's cheeks with his thumbs, in a gesture that was not exactly something a friend would do. Kanda found that he didn't mind. If this was Alma, if this really was his Alma- Well, Alma could do whatever he wanted as long as they stayed together, as long as they could find a way out together. He watched how the other brushed his own tears as well, with his sleeve.

'They call me Alma Karma now,' his only friend said, echoing the words from the past, a blush of shyness colouring his face. Kanda wished he knew how to smile a smile that did not spell death. 'I heard that you call yourself Kanda Yuu now. Can I call you Yuu?' he asked with a mischievous smile.

Kanda punched him on the shoulder and Alma laughed delightedly and, oh God, it felt like something was lifted from his chest, something that had been constricting his breathing for so long that Kanda had forgotten how it felt to breathe freely. Maybe, one day, Kanda would also learn again how it was to laugh, he thought. Just the idea was overwhelming.

'You guys really know each other?' Lavi asked, bursting the bubble around Kanda and Alma and reminding the former that they were not alone. Amazingly, Kanda felt no anger as he glanced at the assembled Exorcists. They were all in various stages of shock, except for Marie, who had a vague smile on his lips. Did Marie remember Alma's voice? He wasn't sure what to think about it, considering that Marie only knew the crazy, bloodthirsty Alma.

Before Kanda could find words to say, not that he had any idea where to start, Alma was smiling so brightly that he must have blinded the others, wrapping his arm around Kanda's shoulders. He was exactly the same height, Kanda noted absently, realising that he did not shrink from the touch. He tried to imagine how life would be from then on, because it couldn't simply continue as it was, could it?

'We're childhood friends,' Alma announced brightly. Internally, Kanda cringed at the idea of having to tell the others more about their childhood. Lavi would surely ask, unless Lavi knew already but then his question was stupid. Bookman Junior did not ask stupid questions. 'I'm really glad to see that Yuu had made more friends while I was away,' Alma added. What the-

'They're not my friends,' Kanda hissed out of habit. He was starting to pull himself out of the shock, but his voice carried no venom yet. He needed to talk with Alma before the annoying kid- Wait, Alma was no longer a kid, same as he wasn't. It would take a while to get used to this new development, Kanda realised, for the first time happy about a new Exorcist joining the Black Order.

Before anybody could say anything more, beansprout's stomach growled loudly enough to make the Finders look at him incredulously. The beansprout's face flushed bright red, while Alma laughed.

'Sorry, I think I need to get some food. Now,' beansprout said. Lavi laughed and added something about moving before the scene became tearful and touching. Kanda wanted to punch him, but Alma still had an arm around his shoulders. He was irrationally afraid that if he moved away, the other would disappear, so he stayed put.

'Yes, food,' Alma exclaimed enthusiastically. 'I hope your cook has enough mayonnaise,' he added as Lavi and Allen led the group towards Jerry's window, completely ignoring the queue. None of the Finders queuing dared to say anything, even if Kanda wasn't glaring at them.

'Are you still putting mayonnaise over everything?' Kanda asked with a mildly disgusted wince, the few happy memories from the Sixth Lab flashing in front of his eyes. Alma happily told him that mayonnaise was the best food ever discovered. Immediately, Lavi wanted to make a bet that he would not manage to feed any to Kanda, who only ever ate soba. Alma of course took the challenge and Kanda cringed at the thought of the upcoming few meals. Alma was not afraid of him, after all, he had no reasons to be. The idea that he would finally have a worthwhile sparring partner crossed Kanda's mind.

'He and Daisya would have gotten along pretty well, don't you think?' Marie asked quietly, making Kanda snort. The thought of Daisya still stung, but he had come to terms with the fact that the annoying Turk was gone for good. Such were the lives of the Exorcists: they ran great risks every day and eventually they made mistakes.

'Komui put him in our team,' Marie added, snapping Kanda out of his thoughts. The latter didn't bother to tell Marie that no other possibility would have been accepted by him. He supposed that Marie, who was the only one privy to some stories about Alma, knew.

It was needless to say that Jerry was delighted to have another parasitic Exorcist on the premises, that is until Alma had demanded to all but drown Jerry's day's special in mayonnaise. Kanda was honestly looking to more Alma-caused distress and he didn't even scowl at the cook, when the latter gave him his soba along with a rushed "happy birthday Kanda". Today, just this one time, he would let it slide, he decided. He could do that because the words did not echo with the innocent and happy "happy birthday Yuu" from the past anymore.


End file.
